Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
