he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
