I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
