I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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