absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
