I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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