so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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