I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
We need to get me chipped asap
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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