between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Sexist Restaurant Owner Tells Woman To ‘Keep Her Legs Open’ After Firing Her
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
19 True Stories So Scary You May Never Turn The Lights Off Again
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE