Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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