do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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