census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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