when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
