Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
