Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Randomize
