i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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