I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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