i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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