i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I deserve this hangover.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
