I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Randomize
