mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
