Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
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