my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
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