And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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