I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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