You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
