My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Randomize
