i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Randomize
