If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
