Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
