You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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