You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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