better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
