Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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