dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My liver is preforming stress tests.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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