a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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