Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
