just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
