please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
