This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
