If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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