Me. At least after what I've been through.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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