It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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