My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
