I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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