I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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