Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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