In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
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Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
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I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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