went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
