guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
