I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
