matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
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So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
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Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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