I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
