My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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