You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
