if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
