Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
