its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
