I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
