ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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