WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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