I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
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